I was asked recently to give counsel for a believer outside of our fellowship struggling to know how to relate to a person in their church formerly convicted of sexual crimes against children but now repentant. Sexual crimes have increased in our day of sexual perversion, and it is important that we know how to navigate such situations with grace, wisdom, and love.
What follows is the substance of my response, slightly edited for public consumption.
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According to the Old Testament (OT), someone guilty of such an egregious sin should be put to death. The law of God operates on the lex talionis, eye for eye and tooth for tooth. It is true that Jesus warned the Pharisees about using this for personal retribution but the lex talionis remains God’s righteous principle for meting out a punishment to fit the crime. If sexual crimes against children are punishable by death in Scripture, they ought to be treated the same way today. This would make the situation you’ve mentioned—dealing with convicted pedophiles in the church—a non-issue. However, this is not the society we live in.
While some may question whether the OT crimes should still be crimes today, the criminal penalties of the OT do inform us of the severity of certain sins. Not all sins are crimes and not all crimes deserve the same punishment. If a sin was a crime that deserved the death penalty in the OT, you bet we should treat that sin with utmost seriousness today!
With that said, let me share how I would approach this as a leader in the church and then as a congregant.
As a Leader
First, as a leader, I would want some details about the nature of the offense. Things like severity, frequency, and when and how this took place are important in assessing future risk.
Second, I would bar this person from any kind of contact with children at church or with families from church in other locations (e.g., homes or other events). If he was not willing to abide, he would be asked not to attend the church.
Third, I would remind parents of their responsibility to protect their children. Parents must take this responsibility seriously as the church leaders cannot ensure the safety of every child.
Fourth, if the offense was serious, done recently, done while he was a Christian, or he was in a position of trust, I would inform the man that I will be telling the people of the church his past sin. This would be for the sake of the congregation and if he was repentant he would understand. Forgiveness can take place but consequences always remain. The scars of sin are still there even after forgiveness is granted. Protecting children is a higher priority than protecting the privacy or character of a pedophile.
In our church, we’ve had a few cases over the years. And when dealing with it like I’ve stated above most tended to move along quickly. We try to take this sin seriously and I would rather err on the side of being unwelcoming to a repentant pedophile than jeopardize the precious children of the church. Shepherds must be vigilant to protect the flock, especially the young and vulnerable.
As a Congregant
Now as a congregant, if I knew of a pedophile or just got a creepy sense—Mom’s are pretty good at sensing whether guys are creepy—I would start by making sure to educate my own children on appropriate behavior.
We’ve taught our children the following principles:
1. Be suspicious of adults who hang around with children or talk to kids rather than people their own age. This is inappropriate behavior and should be recognized as such.
2. Never go to the bathroom alone without an accompanying parent, sister, or brother.
3. Always say you have to ask your parents if someone offers you anything. We’ve trained our children with scenarios like going to pet a dog, or taking candy, or seeing something around the corner. We practice this with them so that they would not unwillingly be lured somewhere.
4. Never interact if someone has a phone or device and wants to show you something. Tell your parents right away. If families come to our home, no one is allowed on a device near our children. There have been awkward moments when we’ve had to tell people not to show our kids things on their phone (even though it may be innocent on their part).
5. We tell our children to speak with us about their friends or conversations they had at church. They should be looking out for each other and report if one of our children was playing alone or speaking to someone that may be inappropriate.
6. We tell our children about “bad pictures” and that they should turn and come to mom or dad right away (there is a good children’s book on this that we use called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures).
7. We teach our children that secrets are bad. Surprises are ok but secrets are not. Surprises are meant to be revealed, secrets are not. Anyone who tells you to keep a secret should prompt you to tell your parents right away.
8. We tell our children that if we are at church, our children should be in the same room or area as we are. They should not be off in a small room or in the basement while mom and dad are upstairs. Other children should warn us if this is the case and discipline follows.
9. At home, no play or guests are allowed in the bedrooms. In fact, we have toys, computers, etc, in common areas leaving bedrooms for changing and sleeping. We also put at least two children in each room for accountability. Whether young or old, single or married, it’s best to have a roommate.
10. At home there are no screens or devices in bedrooms. All screens are public with care taken as to what they are doing with much communication about what is on the screen. The Internet is not a right. Phones are not a right. These are privileges that should be used as a tool for the mature.
There are other principles that could be added to this list, but this gives an idea of the preparation that every parent should consider in our sexualized age. Pornography, sex abuse, grooming, are all real dangers. It is our responsibility as parents to shepherd and protect our children to live safely in a sexualized world.
Second, more specifically for the scenario of a pedophile at church, I would not allow my wife nor children to have any kind of relationship with this man. I will be courteous, but his sin has the consequence of removing access to my family.
Third, depending on the nature of the sin, I would exhort the elders to act (as I’ve noted above). If I felt unsupported in protecting my family, I would look for another fellowship. This would come after conversations with the elders about the care of children given the MANY cases of child abuse in the church that have destroyed too many lives (and good churches too), and a parent’s responsibility to care for their children over a man convicted of sexual crimes.
Conclusion
This is a challenging situation that we will increasingly face as sexual sin increases, sex for minors is normalized, and criminal prosecution and penalties decrease. The church must be a place of grace but also must take sin seriously.
“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints” (Ephesians 5:3).